1. |
intro
02:42
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I'm watching the clock
Wishing it would spin as fast as my head
Seems to lately
And time never stops
But I've felt frozen in the same fucking minute for hours
What am I even waiting for
And I was once the youngest person alive
Ever since, I've been old enough to die
So what's keeping me here
A sense of who I am
Where is that now, well I don't know
Where did it go
Can I find it
Well I'm slowly driving by
Wondering why this feels awkward
I never said goodbye
But the vacant space is unfamiliar
I left it there
And you don't seem to notice
But there's a war in my head
And I'm stuck in the trenches
I need to get back into focus
Like when I spent my days last summer hanging with my friends
I don't feel fine
I think I'm shedding stability
I think I'm shedding stability
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2. |
shedding stability
04:52
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And I spent my days last summer hanging with my friends
Well that was when I felt just fine
I was never the one to free my mind up
With all this fucking stress
These anxious thoughts and walls of shame
They fill my brain
And I'm trying hard to change
And I spent my days this winter trapped inside my car
Cause "it's not safe to text and drive"
I can just roll around in my own fire
And never put it out
These flames repel the world away
And I think that that's okay
I don't think I'll ever change
And I think that you should know that I...
Still love you all the same
So don't think I'm not your friend
When I forget to make amends
I swear to god, I'm still trying
Don't think I'll let you go
These steps were made of slippery stones
But I swear to god, I'm still climbing
I swear to god, I'll never stop climbing
And don't think that I stopped caring
Cause I want the best for all of you
If you want it
And I hope that I'll stop staring at the unlikelihoods that face me
They're scaring away my logic
Well I don't want this
And we'd all refrain from picking up an object
That appear to be to heavy to handle
So believe me when I say
My head might appear to be as light as a feather
But I've bottled up so many sticks and stones
If you pick me up, it'll break your bones apart
And I spent my days last summer hanging with my friends
That was when I felt just fine
I was never the one to free my mind up
With all this fucking stress, these anxious thoughts
And walls of shame
They fill my brain
And I want to apologize
And I'm wondering why you're wondering why
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3. |
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I saw you walking on the sidewalk
With your hand in his
You had that look in your eyes
And that smile traced around your lips
It was the same look that you gave me while we sat in that parking lot
Where we talked about life and giving you & me a shot
Well it hit me so hard
The bullet's lodged inside my chest
Looks like in barely scraped the back of your soft gentle head
Now I'm hobbling along just to get this stitched back up
I didn't bring a pair of tweezers, I'll just live with this pain in my guts
Why did you become so numb
How can I become...
It feels like I haven't been genuinely happy in so long
Just a million years worth of thoughts crammed into a couple weeks
I wanted you to be the "you" in all my love songs
You chose to make it in these lyrics another way
And now everything reminds me of you
Whether its getting in my car or driving down the I-90
Or going back home and passing by North Street
Or going through Tim's, getting breakfast and coffee
Cause I can't sleep, I'm running on caffeine
Getting lost in the woods, and standing in cold creeks
Or staying inside, because I can't find my car keys
Or staring at the rain, because my brain feels like lightning
The thunder is quiet, but these thoughts are deafening
I'm listening to songs that you introduced to me
Or listening to songs that I'd sing to help you sleep
Or thinking of your face glowing up in my daydreams
As I lay awake wishing you were next to me
Or going to my job, with so much time for thinking
About my shift yesterday, where I couldn't stop thinking
About how much I miss you and how much I need you
And how much I need to get out of my fucking head
So when did you become so numb
I spend my days staring at my ceiling
Because nothing sounds appealing
So when can I become so numb
That I can say, I feel like living
And I can finally stop overthinking
So when did you become so numb
I spend my days staring at my ceiling
Because nothing sounds appealing
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4. |
temporary terror
05:48
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It feels like the past few years have been a collage of old pictures
That I always tend to insert in my mind
A throwback to all the simple times
Of camping out in my backyard as a kid
Or going to a friend's house without having to ask some stupid fucking question
About SATs or what they want to major in
What am I gonna do
Now that I'm approaching the end of highschool
Which has already fucked me hard
I'm not looking forward to a fresh new start in the race
Because I'm already stuck at the starting line
So take what you want
Fuck it take it all
I have no use of myself
And I can't be somebody else
And I've been sending in my college applications
Without a destination
No sense of who I am
Only dreams too big for action
I always told myself to dream big and never settle for anything less
Well lately I can't settle for anything
So I've been sitting at home in bed
I've called quits on all objectives
So whats the fucking point
I feel trapped within this mindset
Of a scared and lonely school boy
And one day I might just laugh at all the lines within this song
Well that thought brings me solace
I hope that I find solace
So take what you want
Fuck it take it all
I have no use of myself
And I can't be somebody else
There's overflowing thoughts inside my head
And they play on repeat
But almost never willingly
And everything will be okay
That's what they all say
I wish this temporary terror would just fade away
And I live in the present
Not the future
And that single trait has sculpted me
Into a failure
The tidal wave, it can't be found
The day is good, at least for now, we're okay
We're okay
Now, the tidal wave is in line of sight
And It's beautiful, everything is alright, we're okay
We're okay
Now, the tidal wave is getting close
And it's safe to say that no one knows if we're okay
We're okay
Now the tidal wave, it crashes down
And everything gets swept out
We're not okay, we're not okay
We're not okay, we're not okay
There's overflowing thoughts inside my head
And they play on repeat
But almost never willingly
And every fucking thing will be okay
That's what they all say
That's what they all say
And I've been sending in my college applications
Without a destination
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5. |
i say no to cigarettes
05:28
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You cut a hole in the summer
That splintered your mind
Just to say you're fine
And do you remember who you are anymore
A good friend, a better man with the best plan
It's hard to summarize all the steps up to your ignorance
And there's a reason that I say no to cigarettes
I already have too much on my chest
But you still fill your lungs with the smoke of a broken man's suffering
And something's got your tongue
Before you can say to yourself that your eyes are too closed to open up
And It's so hard to watch you fall down
From the top of the world, to six feet underground
You showed the way you felt for a few days
And then you tried to drown it out
I guess it dragged the rest of you down
Because you slowly started to change your ways
And your constant intoxications
Turn into public demonstrations
Of how you'll never make it out alive
And your heart's too drunk to let your brain drive
But your brain is deteriorating
As fast as my hope for you could bear
But that doesn't mean that I don't care
Cause I still care, I'll always care
And it's so hard to watch you fall down
From the top of the world, to six feet underground
But your blanks stares don't mean you're spaced out
They just play the flashbacks from before you broke down
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6. |
22 degrees
05:25
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It was 22 degrees
I put my shit in boxes
I told my folks I'm coming home
To a town that has left me so broken down and bent
With so many broken hearted photographs in my mind that I can't shed
And every late night out on Oakwood's been swept away by the train tracks
That I never thought my love could disown
It was 22 degrees
I told my folks I'm coming home
And I just want home to feel like home again
A distant state of mind that I can't hold
And I can't hold the weight of the summer in this Christmas cold
Where it doesn't even matter anymore
When I passed that street, I knew this was more than I bargained for
When I awoke in my bed, I knew this was more than I bargained for
When I picked up my friends, we drove to the city
An excuse just to get away from the shitty things
That I left behind in this village I loved
Where I stored all my cries, because I've dealt with them enough
And then I moved to college to start a new chapter
"I'll deal with my woes at the end of the semester"
I made it this far, I'm back where I started
In a cloud way too dark, in a rainstorm of incongruity
And I knew this was more than I bargained for
And every single step that I take collapses on itself and my own personal hell
Is a collection of outdated reasons to wake up way too tired
And this bed is full of spiders as I lie to myself
And say I'm passed all of this bullshit, when It's too bottled up to tell
And this place brings out the worst in me, it exposes what I hide
The remnants of a shattered boy who fucked up his own mind
But I know that if I promise not to repeat this mental pattern
I can drive past that street and the past won't matter
But for now I'll just take a deep breath
There's a lot of shit that I'm clearly not over yet
And I just want home to feel like home again
I just want home to feel like home again
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7. |
the puppeteer
04:07
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I've been replacing some perfect things
With pressured choices persuaded by the smirk on your face
Because I just wanna change your expression
You tell me how you think I should be
Selfish desires for control passed on as trying to be friendly
Well I can see through your intentions
Maybe I'm just tired
Of every fucking word you speak
And now you've broken through the surface
And I won't let you take what's underneath
My skin and my thoughts
The only sense of self that I still got
You think you've got me around your finger
Well I can tell you think I'm slipping off
Because you've been so much worse lately and I know you're scared
That I'll develop a mind of my own
One that can hold off your complacent tones
Your fucking ego's the one thing left under your care
What am I to say
You take advantage of my blatant fears
Of being even more stuck in the gutter
So when can I stop pretending I'm not
I've got a lot of things to say, but you'll never hear me speak
I'm putting messages in bottles that you'll never get to read
Because I threw them in the ocean instead of leaving them at your door
Well I'm sorry I displease you and I'm sorry I'm a fraud
And I'm not the fucking puppet that you made me think I was
I'm sorry I've conditioned you into thinking you're the king of the world
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8. |
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I'm gonna flash forwards
Just a few months later
I've settled into this new college town
And finally figured it out
Now we're still on good terms
But we don't talk much anymore
And it doesn't hurt as much now that i lost my best friend
And that reality hurts worse than death
Now your hair's gotten blonder
Than it was in the summer
When did you change it up
Was it enough to give you the guts
To dye your mind a brand new color
I bet it's his favorite
A new kind of pigment I wouldn't understand
But that's alright
It doesn't matter anyway
Because we all evolve as people
It's okay you evolved away from me
Because I won't pretend that I never had to drift away
I just wish that our fondest memories
Didn't get mixed in with all the bullshit
I had to forget
Now where is the honesty I'm searching for
Because I don't know if i'm lying to myself
When I say that I am fine
Am I over all those nights I spent lost inside my head
Or am I still as lost as I ever was
All I know is that every single time I had to hear his name
I just wanted to go and burst out into flames
And let my ashes scatter away
Before I do something stupid and ruin everything
Well now I can bear the sight of his face
As he looks in your eyes the same way I did
And I can tell you're happy
God you look so happy
That summer left me shaking with way too much withdrawel
The liquor shots that I've been taking
Never competed with your phone calls
And I haven't had a drink in weeks because I feel
That being sober helps me appreciate
That god you look so happy
And I hope you get accepted into Brown
And get the fuck out of this town
Your heart of gold deserves everything, you know
And someday you're gonna get that new york city skyline
Stretched across your window
Well I hope it feels like home
And I want you to know that I'm so proud
I hope he sticks around
And supports you like you're the only thing that counts
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9. |
calluses
06:39
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Writing and calluses
They symbolize all of this
All that I am
The only thing I'll ever be
But all of these calluses
Have been replaced by healthy skin
From the time that I've lost
If I got some back
It would be like Christmas in October for me
We sit around and talk about old times before we grew up and changed
We settle down I wish we could rewind the timelines
Cause I feel like nothing today and I feel like
Maybe these calluses will grow back
Maybe I'll start to forget what was wrong with the world
Maybe these calluses will grow back
I don't want to start to forget what I could have been
When I was a little kid
I thought about losing my grip
On everything else
I've gotten that wish
And I've gotten so sick
Of all of these distractions
They determine the other part of me
The necessities are getting so boring
And I know that I've lost my grip
We sit around and talk about old times before we grew up and changed
We settle down I wish we could rewind the timelines
Cause I feel like nothing today and I feel like
Maybe these calluses will grow back
Maybe I'll start to forget what was wrong with the world
Maybe these calluses will grow back
I don't want to start to forget what I could have been
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10. |
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And I will have a couple words
To say if you decide to speak to me again
I wonder how you've been
Are you tongue tied
Am I not even worth your time
How can I make sense of every truth
When everything's a lie in this prison of a mind
When will the lock and key collide
I'm way too tired
To get myself up off the floor
When can I sleep
And you are my greatest inspiration
My only motivation
I wish I could still tell you that
But I don't wanna make you sad
I don't wanna make you worry if I'm okay
I swear to god I'm okay
I just wish I could see if there's nothing wrong to what I feel I've broken
Should I try to look
Or should I just keep acting like I don't need to
And now the air is way too cold
It's not the snow
It's not the Buffalo weather
When can I sleep
Now I'm writing songs in my backseat
It's three in the morning
I have a class at 9:30
It doesn't feel very late
Because it never is anymore
And you're still probably snug in your bed
With a song in your head
I pray you never have to hear the letters I've sent within the tracks of this record
I pray you never have to feel sad over a song that's about you
When can I sleep
And I feel like I'm too good at the wrong things
I'm a ghost too good at haunting
In a place where all my favorite people reside
And you just wanna live your life
And now the air is way too cold
It's not the snow
It's not the Buffalo weather
So, when can I sleep
When can I sleep
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Milo Duhn Buffalo, New York
Alternative artist from Buffalo NY. Friendly neighborhood saltine trying his best.
Check me out on Facebook and Instagram. Email-duhnsongs@gmail
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